Blended Families: How should parents prioritize their relationships in a second marriage?
Questions & Answers
"I read in one of your books about how important it is for parents to stay married and to provide children with a stable home life. In the years following my divorce, I have learned first hand how true that is. But now I am considering remarriage and it's very difficult to be as confident about this as I was when I was married to my children's father. I also know that 87% of second/third marriages fail over how to handle children from a previous marriage. This is so scary to me!! I believe that it is my responsibility to put my spouse before my children, and vice versa. But my boyfriend has told me that he will never put me before his biological children. I'm afraid to get into a situation like this, afraid of another failed marriage. Do you have any insight on second marriages and this issue?"
In my book Cleared for Takeoff, I did write a chapter reminding parents that a strong and stable marriage provides the best environment for raising happy, healthy, self-reliant children. It's hard to argue with that fact of life. Children always do better when their parents stay together and model a loving relationship in front of them. Is this principle still true in a blended family? The answer is yes, but it may have to be applied differently.
Your boyfriend sounds like a good father to his children. They need assurance that they will not lose their father's love because he has chosen to remarry. The issue for both of you is no longer "who do I put first, my spouse or my children?" but rather "how do I assure my children now that there is stability and security and enough love for everybody in our home?" Even in a blended family, it's important for children to have modeled in front of them by their parent and step-parent a solid, loving, healthy marriage. Parents need to be in agreement on parenting issues such as house rules, discipline and so forth. This takes extra effort, good communication and a lot of time, of course.
If you and your boyfriend marry, remember that your biological children came first, as did his. Just as the birth of a child should not destroy a marriage, so a second marriage should not destroy the special relationship that a parent has with his/her children. That's one of the real challenges of living in a blended family.
Only you can decide whether you are marrying someone who will be able to provide you with the love and commitment that is required of a marriage and also remain a good father to his children. If you marry, anticipate that his children will become a very important part of your life as will your children become a part of his. You can still celebrate and nurture your new marriage while respecting and protecting the bond between your husband and his children. Children need to see that this is not only possible but the best thing for everyone in the family.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/